The art of setting boundaries: 5 steps to reset your existing relationships
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ― Brené Brown
Have you ever had someone in your life who you just cannot say no to? No matter what they ask of you, how they treat you, or how they disrespect your time, you find yourself catering to their needs without ever voicing how you feel, or putting your foot down.
This is what a relationship without boundaries looks like.
At first, you might be able to sustain a relationship like this, but after a while it can place a strain on your well-being.
What is a boundary in a relationship?
By definition, a boundary is where one thing ends, and another begins. In relationships, boundaries refer to the limitations you have in place to make sure your needs are being met.
All healthy relationships with friends, family and loved ones have boundaries that take each other’s feelings and emotions into account.
Benefits of boundary setting
When you learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries in your relationships there are many benefits you might experience, including:
- Improved relationships with friends, family and loved ones
- Improved communication skills
- Improved mental and emotional well-being
- Less feelings of guilt, depression and anxiety
- Improved feelings of self-worth
- Improved understanding of self
How to set healthy boundaries
It can be a daunting task to set boundaries in an existing relationship where a certain status quo has already been established. However, as hard as setting boundaries can be, it’s often harder to live without them. Remember: just because you want to make changes doesn’t mean you have to be unkind, blunt or confrontational. There are tactful ways to improve your existing relationships and set the limitations you are comfortable with.
1. Identify your boundaries
Before you can set a boundary, you need to dig deep to find the root of your discomfort. Boundaries should be set when there are certain elements of a relationship that leave you feeling like your needs are not being met. For example, if you have a friend who is always late, a boundary is that they arrive when they say they are going to. Or, if your partner frequently invites their friends over before speaking with you, a boundary might be that they let you know in advance so you have enough time to plan accordingly.
2. Pinpoint your feelings
Once you understand what boundaries you would like to see in your relationships, you’ll need to reflect why they are important to you. For example, how does it make you feel when your friend is always late or when your partner doesn’t let you know they are inviting friends over?
3. Talk with the other person
Find a time to communicate your needs to the other person. It doesn’t have to be a formal sit down chat, but try and meet in person if possible (not over text) and let them know you would like to set a boundary. Explain to them how it makes you feel when they cross a certain line in your relationship. Let them know what you expect of them, and agree on a common goal moving forward.
4. Remind them
Change doesn’t happen overnight. You might need to remind them if they continue to overstep the boundaries you have set.
5. Set a consequence
Here’s where it can get a bit tough. If the other person continues to disregard your boundaries, you will need to set a consequence. Setting consequences will help reinforce the boundary and help the other person see the implications of their actions. If your friend continues to be habitually late, you might have to leave the restaurant after waiting 15 minutes. Or if your spouse continues to have friends over without giving you sufficient notice, do not rush around to help tidy the house and prepare food to host your surprise guests.
Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t come easily to everyone. It can feel difficult and uncomfortable at first, but the more practice you have, the easier it will become.
Learn more about how iHealthOX can help you prioritize your whole health and well-being.
Article sources:
PsychCentral: Why healthy relationships always have boundaries and how to set boundaries in yours
PositivePsychology: How to set healthy boundaries
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